You know the one.

1. The one that knocks for several minutes even though anyone should know you are clearly hiding, the right of any new mother.

2. The one that gifts any variation of a stuffed animal. Haven’t you seen me dumping off those things at the thrift shop in the name of “allergies”?

3. The one that comes to the hospital uninvited the night you gave birth. Note to self, if said mother wants you to visit, you will know.

4. The one that after knocking to no avail, comes inside calling your name and then worse, ventures upstairs. No one is safe.

5. The one that reminds you how fast these days are going and ironically doesn’t participate in the hour long feedings or crying sessions at deplorable hours.

6. The one that settles in on your couch for a nice long stay right during nap time. Those two hours of freedom or one if you are like me are serious business. The world is my oyster and yet it has been flushed down the toilet with your visit.

7. The one that offers the details of their own birthing experience as they forgot it is your time to shine and share the painful details.

8. The one that is kind enough to bring dinner but it is delivered in dishes that need to be washed and returned, please no.

9. The one that repeatedly calls to see when the best time is to come over and chastises your apparent ignoring the voicemails, texts, and emails, quite true but seems rude to point out.

10. The one that encourages you to “get out” when all you want to do is curl up with fresh nursing pads and a People magazine while they take the baby and get out.