I would like to say I lie out of love but that unfortunately is yet another lie. I lie because I’m lazy, afraid of the closets filled with skeletons that may reach out and grab me if I use honesty as my tactic for hard questions or parenting fails. My best lies…

1. You have to be married to have children. Boo and hiss all you want, but that has bought me at least three years of innocence and though I’m nearing the end of this skipping on the yellow brick road, I’m digging my glittery red heels in deep.

2. The Tooth Fairy doesn’t come if you can’t produce a tooth. I’m sorry but if I am supporting the fallacy of a flitty fairy that sneaks in your bedroom at night, at least I am allowed to turn her into a hard ass.

3. Our Elf is very old and has arthritis. That’s why he can’t move. It is partially true as he is very old, I’ve had him since I was little and nibbled his felt hands off to prove it. I can absolutely not be bothered to play hide and seek in the second busiest month of the year (May is the first).

4. If you don’t go to college, you have to work at McDonalds. Sorry McDonald’s. We really like you but my children do not want to spend their days arguing with the likes of their mother, she who refuses to pull up when there is NO car behind her. Mortifying one’s children has its’ benefits.

5. You can get a Zero on the End of Grade Test and it does not matter. Again, it really doesn’t matter to me and I will do anything to save myself from the rabid gorilla that my son turned into the last session of mandatory testing. Perhaps we would be forced to suffer through summer school but that is a small price to way for the Hell which begins in a week.

6. You’re my favorite. I can’t help it. It makes each of them so happy and I’m amazed how they actually believe this nonsense.

7. I have a meeting. Ummm, really just meeting a friend for a drink and a hamburger but no need to get bogged down in details.

8. If you don’t brush your teeth, even the grown up ones will fall out. Desperate times require desperate measures. Dental bills and cavities are a common plight here.

9. I don’t know. This is my go to phrase for everything from where is such and such to the pointed question, when are you going to be back?

10. I never quit. Oh, this is a doozy. I quit everything which is why I am trying to be encouraging so that I raise the next generation who will stick with it, whether flute, baton, trumpet, field hockey, guitar, piano, ballet, tap, tennis, soccer, or writing in a journal. And exercise.

11. Daddy and I can’t get divorced, we signed a contract. It is true, at least a marriage certificate and if it makes my children feel safe then so be it. We aren’t getting divorced as we would never have enough money to run two households and we couldn’t agree on who got which child.