Do you remember checking the mailbox for the letter? I do, though now I’m not sure which one never came or brought the news that was not what I wanted to hear. My disappointment and expectations that loomed large on the horizon are gone now, evaporated with the passage of time. Instead, I am left with remembering the news that did come and for me, the schools that wanted me, not the schools that did not. I am so thankful for them both at this point in my life as those letters pushed me onto trails that have led me to the wonderful life I have this very second. Decisions were made and I was a victim of the powers that be and yet, life turned out beautifully.
I await for a different type of decision these days. Those who know me, can guess where my mind flows these days, particularly this summer. My mind has been free from alarm clocks and lunch packing, schedules and itineraries. Instead, the hours are filled with plenty of sleep, cinnamon rolls for breakfast, lazy beach days, shrimp burgers, trips to the pool when the heat gets unbearable, afternoons in the cool shaded condo, and evenings hunting ghost crabs, watching outdoor movies or swimming beneath the stars. The recipe for deep thinking and so, I think and wonder and think some more. Amos is the king of my imagination though my husband and his siblings play important roles too and I dissect the puzzle pieces we all play in our own game of life.
The decision I await is about Amos. I wait and wonder. I nervously hope, dash my hope with reminders of reality and then reach out to grab more hope. It is a cycle that is tiring but wonderful and wonderful because I know that some day the decision will come and there will be no more tooth fairy for me. Truthfully, that leaves me wanting to wallow in misery and so, I try to embrace the place I sit today. I know enough to know I will lament wishing time away if I am to waste time in angst as I await the decision. I hear the voice remind me to embrace the now, the now hidden in the unknown is lovely because it is full of dreams and promise, hope and wonder, all is possible and the world, though not our oyster, is ours for the temporary grasping.
The Amos that will be could still surprise us and I love this thought, the notion that he will grow up and everything will come together seamlessly. In just a few short months, this place of refuge will be washed away; I truly don’t believe it will come to fruition though I would like it very much, my heart just can’t take the beating. Perhaps words though as his tongue surgery will be completed, offering him a last ditch chance at real speech and his third birthday looming on the horizon. No more hiding behind being a 2 year old and so, today I joyfully wallow in this place of lovely protection. This moment of being in limbo is extraordinarily comforting as hope looms on the horizon. A summer at the beach and days for thinking and loving before the dreaded decision; I won’t waste my shelter from the storm.
I know it won’t be that bad. I am reminded by the long ago letters that always arrived sooner or later, on their own timeline, despite my baited breath. The letters that held the keys to my happiness were really not so important after all. They were just letters and the answers steered me down wonderful paths, hidden to even my own imagination, of what could be, and yet, here I sit. The decisions were made and it is the culmination of the good and bad that has made my own hemisphere so resplendent. Beauty in the right and the wrong answers. Decisions that guided a travail surprisingly filled with deep joy, ours for the taking.