Ten Clues People Need to Go Back to School
1. The house is trashed.
I don’t mean a little messy. I mean trashed. Just this morning I found half of a sticky waffle under the couch and a dishrag soaked in coffee under a table. Guessing someone spilled the coffee that I never could find.
2. Physical aggression has escalated to new heights.
My children generally enjoy one another, not perfectly but the fighting and crying from being choked, kicked and punched is on a par with legally defined assault.
3. My house is an icebox.
This may be very odd but the more desperate I get, the lower I turn the thermostat. I think it is some desperate attempt to wake my sloth self up and then I will be motivated to pick up crap.
4. People are unkempt.
The days of showering and brushing hair have been completely replaced by sunscreen slathering and swimming. Although I recognize it is not a valiant trade, I am unmotivated to make a change before we have to report for education duty. Hence the innocent question, “Why is her hair wet?”, and my answer of, “It’s not.”
5. I’m threatening children, in public, with my own physical violence.
Yes, this is a new low. Places where I once had my best face plastered on my seething self are now a distant memory. Just last night at open house, I heard myself tell my oldest son if he kicked his brother one more time, I would kick him. Nothing like first impressions.
6. The phone is not ringing.
All the other mothers are sick of their kids too and so the last thing they want is my kids coming over to trash their house.
7. 2,000 hours is too much.
That is approximately the amount of time I have spent with four small people and though I am fully aware I chose this path, no one mentioned the horror of summer vacation. I liked it through July.
8. I keep getting back in my bed.
Perhaps it is the 60 degree temperature in here or the reality an alarm will wake me next week, but I pass through my bedroom and once again, Amos and I nestle in to watch PBS.
9. I am tired of watching people eat snacks.
Obviously I am to blame but listening to people repeat that they are hungry will send someone to their breaking point. Hence, popcorn and pop tart crusts littering the couch surface as I sit in bed drinking hot coffee.
10. Duct tape is being used to repair damaged personal property.
Evidently if your sister puts the remote control in her mouth, you should respond by throwing her American Girl doll bed. After it splinters into an array of pieces, you then justify your actions by explaining the absolute grossness of her act, similar in a brother’s mind, to putting the remote in one’s pants.