1. Is your last name Wood or Woods?
People, you can’t make this stuff up. This is a direct quote.

2. Y’all are like a tornado.
All we do is simply walk in the door and within minutes, are met with the tornado accusation.

3. I didn’t grow up like this.
I’m not sure what this alludes to, but I have a feeling it is not a compliment.

4. I can hear fine.
This, followed by the word WHAT, is in response to my suggestion that the television is at Defcon Four. Hoping my Christmas present from Walgreens, a hearing aid priced at $19.99 as seen on tv, won’t be too offensive (thanks for the suggestion, Regan.)

5. I don’t speak cat.
Ummm, I have never heard my father sound so kind in my life as he is to the cat. Yes, my parents have a foster cat that is to leave on Christmas Eve. I can’t help but think back to the Christmas that the new canary drowned and envision my mother in serious mourning all over again.

6. Where’s Alice?
My mother clearly hides and I’m not sure if it is from us or him. Maybe we are a lethal combination?

7. I don’t eat carbs, no sauce for my potato.
Truth. He really doesn’t know what carbs are.

8. What did y’all do to the electricity?
We turned on two lights. Two. Dos. Suddenly we are to blame for power outages.

9. Who’s using all the towels?
We all used one. That would be five total.

10. I never know who you are talking about, BT or LT?
BT, also known as Big Thomas, the one who I said would be arriving at the airport tomorrow.

Help.