1. I would leave Santa some vodka.

That’s nice.

2. They’re going with us to church, ALL of them?
He says this in front of me, Christmas Eve afternoon, my mother shoots daggers as he appears horrified and incredulous.

3. I’m not ready yet, I can’t find the trash bags.
Trash bags. Necessary for quick accessibility before gift opening as grandchildren salivate to be released from holding pen on Christmas morning.

4. I got this thing to pick up all your stuff.
Yes, it’s a pinecone or trash picker upper and he walks around scooping up refuse like wrapping paper, bathing suits, water guns, and once, even a book.

5. What the Hell is Pokémon?
Blair: DB said H E double L!!!!

6. Your family spreads goo everywhere.
They do heartily believe in eating ornate gingerbread houses that are placed in the front hall on a low table. May as well be bait installed by the hungry witch from Hansel and Gretel.

7. Adrian is high maintenance.
That takes the cake. While my husband would quickly agree to this accusation most times, even he struggled to swallow this absurdity born from the chief pot calling the lowly kettle.

8. What are you serving for dinner tonight?
This is my dad’s idea of a hysterical joke. The rhetorical question is followed by his own unwavering answer and passive aggressive insult, Pizza!!!

9. Why is the kitchen so hot?
Ummm, I turned on the oven in a house with a galley kitchen and not a breath of air, not a lick of AC on the radar. I’m chastised for pizza and I’m chastised for cooking (okay, dinosaur chicken.)

10. I’m retired.
What? You’re kidding! No one told me. I just thought you lived by a clock of self for no reason.

11. Y’all weren’t gone very long.
Literally, we had been away for four hours. Count them. Four.