Mediocre Breastfeeding Advice

Holy cow. Finally, I am an expert on something.

1. Wear a nursing bra at all times.

Trust me on this one. The term “nipple chafe” is not one you want rolling off your lips early on and then the milksplosions turn your sleep nest into sour city.

2. Prior to giving birth, demand a prescription for “all-purpose nipple ointment.” A wonderful compounded invention with a bit of lanolin, bit of yeast defense, but of antibiotic and some sort of numbing potion. It is the most important item to take to the hospital.

3. Do not purchase lanolin cream.

It is absolutely not cream and is not your friend unless you relish a sap-like substance on your bosoms.

4. Take lots of pillows to the hospital.

Flexible props are key and the more propping the better.

5. Relish the mesh underwear.

You should totally wear a nice nursing gown, but not pants or real underpants. You must take full advantage of the free underpants as well as the pads that require their own landing gear. Yes, when you breastfeed, your uterus contracts and contracts means a tiny bit of bleeding. Tiny.

6. Shove entire nipple in baby’s mouth.

This may sound a bit rough but I see no reason to mince words; I had a very kind lactation consultant. Don’t be scared if your bosom is larger than baby’s head.

7. Read a book.

I inherited the book, “So That’s What They’re For,” and it was fantastic. It had lots of cartoon like pictures and I did practice with a baby doll.

8. Use a manual breast pump.

I know this will be met with a swift backlash but I never owned an electric pump.

9. Formula travel packets are your friend.

Anyone that says they are comfortable nursing while taking communion is lying. I didn’t feel like excusing myself whenever this conundrum occurred so a bit of formula staved off yowling.

10. Never waste pumped milk.

Again, this is why formula became my friend by my third child. Nothing worse than leaving a sacred pouch of bright yellow milk for the sitter and coming home to a sleeping baby.

Good luck my friend! Low expectations produce simple success! Adrian